An Old Man Turned 115
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper.
During the interview, the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together.
A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter.
“What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“Naw, sir,” said the old man.
“She is my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter.
“But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a s*x life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“Naw, sir, ” said the old man.
“We have s*x every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman.
“Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?” “Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”
An old lady had a perfect response to an arrogant cashier
An old lady was on the checkout at the local supermarket when a young female cashier approached her.
The cashier looked at her arrogantly and told her that she ought to bring her own grocery bags next time, saying “plastic bags aren’t green and you are hurting the planet.”
We didn’t have the green thing back in my earlier days,” the senior woman explained.
The cashier looked at her angrily and replied, “I don’t care what you had or didn’t have! that’s our problem today! Your generation didn’t care enough to save our environment for future generations. You almost blew and it ruined the planet.”
The old lady didn’t say a word and the cashier continued, “It’s all your fault! and now we suffer because you were too lazy and indifferent!”
The old lady admitted that the cashier was right about one thing. Their generation didn’t have the green thing in their day.
She looked at the cashier with a warm smile and told her, “honey, back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottle and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the planet to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so that it could use the same bottles repeatedly. So they really were recycled.
We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every shop and office building.
We walked to the shop and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw-away kind.
We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from there brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house, not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burned petrol just to cut the lawn.
We exercised by working, so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead od using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
Back then, people took the bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mother into a 24-hour taxi service.
And now you tell me how lazy I am, dear?”
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman goes to a bank in New York before going on vacation and asks for a loan of $5,000.
The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”
The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”
The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”
The woman is absolutely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers mock her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it for two weeks in your underground car park.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”
The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
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Young guy makes fun of an “old man” but the senior gets the last laugh.
Remember to respect your elders!
A 71-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.
As he got to the campus he saw a young man studying hard, and the sight brought back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.
“You old geezer. Your generation will never understand my generation,” the kid lectured. “You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine,” the student said.
“Is that right?” the elder man said.
“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry hundreds of books on a tiny chip in my cell phone. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and,” he paused to take swig of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young – so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard, what are you doing for the next generation?”
The student fell completely silent and all the people around them cheered!
He really told him!
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A boy wanted to borrow $50 from his dad. The father was furious because of his son’s request
“Dad, Can I ask you something?” the young boy said.
“Of course, what is it? ” replied the father.
“How much money do you earn per hour?”- The young boy said.
“Why you are asking me this?” Replied the father.
“I would really like to know. Can you please tell me how much do you earn? ” the boy said.
“If you really have to know I make $100per hour.” Replied the father.
“So, Dad can you lend me $50?” The father turned red from anger and scolded his son because he assumed h needed the money just to buy some toys or other nonsense.
He told his son to go to bed immediately and think about what he just said and why he is being selfish.
The boy went to his room without saying a word and slowly closed the door.
Once the man calmed down, he thought about how he treated his son earlier.
He wondered why his son wanted the money and thought he might really need it as he does not ask for it often.
He went to his son’s bedroom and asked him if he is asleep.
As his son was awake, he told him that he was thinking about what happened and thought he was too hard on him.
He explained to his son that he had a long day and he overreacted. Then, he gave his son the money he asked for.
The boy thanked him, took the money and then reached for a pile of crumpled bills from under his pillow.
As the father saw his son already had money, he was about to burst out at him again while the boy slowly counted his bills.
The father asked why he wanted more money since he already had some.
The boy replied: “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do. I have $100 now, can I buy one hour of your time? ”
“Could you please come home earlier tomorrow and have dinner with me?”
The father burst into tears hugged his son and begged for his forgiveness.
This story is as simple reminder to all hour hard-working parents out there.
Times passes by so fast and life just slips through our fingers.
Always remember to spend enough time with the people who really matter to you.
Remember to share that $100 worth of your precious time with the people you love because there are things much more important than money.
A Man Regrets His Actions After Snapping At Woman With A Welfare Card
We sometimes are quick to jump to conclusions when we see somebody in a very difficult situation. It is a matter of judging a book by its cover. I’m not saying that we are always wrong when we do so but there are going to be times when we just don’t know what is taking place under the surface. In the following story that may or may not be true, a man yells at a woman for using food stamps at the grocery store. Little did he know that he would learn a lesson that would stick with him for life.
‘Some people!’ snorted a man standing behind me in the long line at the grocery store.
‘You would think the manager would pay attention and open another line,’ said a woman.
I looked to the front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw a well-dressed, young woman trying to get the machine to accept her credit card. No matter how many times she swiped it, the machine kept rejecting it.
‘It’s one of them welfare card things. Damn people need to get a job like everyone else,’ said the man standing behind me.
The young woman turned around to see who had made the comment.
‘It was me,’ he said, pointing to himself.
The young lady’s face began to change expression. Almost in tears, she dropped the welfare card onto the counter and quickly walked out of the store. Everyone in the checkout line watched as she began running to her car. Never looking back, she got in and drove away.
After developing cancer in 1977 and having had to use food stamps, I had learned never to judge anyone without knowing the circumstances of their life. This turned out to be the case today.
Several minutes later a young man walked into the store. He went up to the cashier and asked if she had seen the woman. After describing her, the cashier told him that she had run out of the store, got into her car, and drove away.
‘Why would she do that?’ asked the man. Everyone in the line looked around at the fellow who had made the statement.
‘I made a stupid comment about the welfare card she was using. Something I shouldn’t have said. I’m sorry,’ said the man.
‘Well, that’s bad, real bad, in fact. Her brother was killed in Afghanistan two years ago. He had three young children and she has taken on that responsibility. She’s twenty years old, single, and now has three children to support,’ he said in a very firm voice.
‘I’m really truly sorry. I didn’t know,’ he replied, shaking both his hands about.
The young man asked, ‘Are these paid for?’ pointing to the shopping cart full of groceries.
‘It wouldn’t take her card,’ the clerk told him.
‘Do you know where she lives?’ asked the man who had made the comment.
‘Yes, she goes to our church.’
‘Excuse me,’ he said as he made his way to the front of the line. He pulled out his wallet, took out his credit card and told the cashier, ‘Please use my card. PLEASE!’ The clerk took his credit card and began to ring up the young woman’s groceries.
Hold on,’ said the gentleman. He walked back to his shopping cart and began loading his own groceries onto the belt to be included. ‘Come on people. We got three kids to help raise!’ he told everyone in line.
Everyone began to place their groceries onto the fast moving belt. A few customers began bagging the food and placing it into separate carts. ‘Go back and get two big turkeys,’ yelled a heavyset woman, as she looked at the man.
‘NO,’ yelled the man. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. The entire store became quiet for several seconds. ‘Four turkeys,’ yelled the man. Everyone began laughing and went back to work.
When all was said and done, the man paid a total of $1,646.57 for the groceries. He then walked over to the side, pulled out his check book, and began writing a check using the bags of dog food piled near the front of the store for a writing surface. He turned around and handed the check to the young man. ‘She will need a freezer and a few other things as well,’ he told the man.
The young man looked at the check and said, ‘This is really very generous of you.’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘Her brother was the generous one.’
