Have you ever had terrible seatmates? Meet the newlyweds who transformed my 14-hour flight into a nightmare. They assumed the jet was their honeymoon suite. When they pushed too far, I decided it was time to create some turbulence of my own to teach them a valuable lesson in airline etiquette.
They say love is in the air, but my latest flight was complete mayhem.
Hey, there! I’m Toby, 35 years old, and I have a fantastic story that will make you reconsider your next journey. So, image this: I’m on a plane, anxiously down the minutes till I can hug my wife and child after being gone overseas for what feels like an eternity. Enter two entitled newlyweds, who made my flight into a complete nightmare.
I had splurged on a premium economy ticket for the 14-hour voyage. Honestly, when you’re facing that many hours in a metal tube, every extra inch of legroom counts.
As I settled in, satisfied with my decision, the person next to me cleared his throat. “Hey there,” he said with a smile. “I am Dave. I’m sorry to ask, but would you mind moving seats with my wife? “We just got married, so… you know.” I put on my biggest congrats smile. “That’s excellent, man. Congrats! “Where is your wife sitting?”
Dave pointed to the back of the plane, his smile fading slightly. “That is my Lia back there. “In the economy.”
Now, I am not a monster. I get it; newlyweds want to be close. But I had paid a good price for this seat and was not about to give it up for free.
“Look, Dave,” I remarked, trying to be pleasant. “I spent more for this seat since I really need the comfort. But, hey, if you want to cover the difference, which is around a thousand Australian dollars, I’d be pleased to switch.” Dave’s face clouded. “A thousand dollars?” “You have to be kidding me.”
I shrugged. “I’m sorry, buddy.” That is the bargain. Otherwise, I am remaining put.” As I inserted my headphones, I caught a glimpse of Dave’s face. Let’s just say that if looks were deadly, I’d have di:ed right then. “You’ll regret this,” he said, just loud enough to be heard.
Little did I know that those three words would convert my tranquil flight into a combat zone at 30,000 feet.
First came the coughing. Not your typical throat clearing, mind you.
We’re talking full-fledged, hack-up-a-lung explosions that made me question whether I should go for a hazmat suit. “You okay there, Dave?” I asked, attempting to maintain my composure.
He gave me a glare that could curdle milk. “Never better,” he wheezed before throwing another tantrum.
Just as I was about to hand him a cough drop (or even a whole pharmacy), Dave decided to boost the ante. He pulled out his tablet and began playing an action movie sans headphones.
The pair across the aisle gave us the stinkeye. “Hey, buddy,” the man remarked to Dave. “Mind turning that down?” Dave smiled sweetly. “Sorry, I forgot my headphones. I guess we’ll have to enjoy it together.
I gritted my teeth and grasped the armrest with white knuckles. “Come on, Dave. “This is not cool.” He turned to me, his eyes gleaming. “Oh, I apologize. Am I making you uncomfortable? “That must be terrible.”
Before I could react, a shower of crumbs fell on my lap. Dave had somehow turned munching pretzels into an Olympic event, spilling more over me than in his mouth.
“Oops,” he admitted, not even bothering to conceal his smirk. “Butter fingers.” I was ready to lose it when I heard a giggle in the aisle. Lia, Dave’s blushing bride, stood there looking like the cat that got the cream.
“Is this seat taken?” she asked, plopping herself onto Dave’s lap. Now, I’m not a prude, but the way they started talking, you’d think they had forgotten they were on a plane full of passengers. The giggling, whispering, and other sounds. It was like being imprisoned in a horrible rom-com, but without the ability to change the channel.
After an hour of the lovebirds’ antics, I muttered, “That’s it,” flagging down a passing flight attendant. “Time to fight fire with fire.” As the stewardess approached, Dave and Lia dialed up the saccharine act, all googly eyes and sweet nothings. “Is there a problem, sir?” the attendant asked, eyeing our row with concern and suspicion.
I took a big breath, preparing to lay everything out. This was going to be good. “Problem? Oh, where should I start?” I spoke loudly enough for surrounding passengers to hear.
“These two have turned this flight into their personal honeymoon suite.” The hostess arched an eyebrow, her attention moving between me and the snuggling couple.
I continued, ticking off points on my fingers. “We’ve had nonstop coughing, a movie blasting without headphones, a rain of snack crumbs, and now…” I gestured to Lia perched on Dave’s lap, “this lap dance situation.” Dave’s face flushed red. “We’re newlyweds!” he protested. “We just want to sit together.”
The stewardess’s professional mask dropped for a minute, exposing a flash of irritation. “Sir, ma’am, I understand you’re celebrating, but there are rules we need to follow.”
Lia batted her eyelids. Can’t you make an exception? “This is our special day.” I couldn’t help but join in. “It’s been their ‘special day’ for the last one hour.” The stewardess fixed her uniform and looked at the two lovebirds. “I’m afraid I cannot. It is against airline policy for an adult passenger to sit on another’s lap. “It is a safety issue.”
Dave’s smug grin faltered. “But—”
“No buts,” the stewardess cut him off. “And since you didn’t pay for this upgraded seat but were moved here, you need to follow all rules strictly.” I had to bite my lip to keep from grinning. The tables had turned, and boy, was it satisfying.
The stewardess turned to Lia. “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to return to your original seat.”
Lia’s eyes widened. “You can’t be serious! We’re married!”
“Congratulations,” the stewardess replied, her tone making it clear she was done with this conversation. “But marriage doesn’t exempt you from airline safety regulations. Please return to your seat.” Dave tried to jump in. “Look, we’re sorry if we disturbed anyone. We’ll be quiet now, promise.”
The stewardess shakes her head. “I’m afraid that isn’t enough. Because of your disruptive behavior, you will both have to sit at the back of the plane in economy class.” Dave’s face lost its color. “Both of us? But I paid — ” “You were upgraded as a courtesy,” the hostess explained. “A courtesy you have abused. Now, please grab your belongings.”
As Dave and Lia hesitantly packed their luggage, I heard fragments of their muttered disagreement. “This is all your fault,” Lia hissed. “Is it my fault?” You are the one who—” “Enough,” the stewardess interrupted. “Please move to the back of the plane.”
As they shuffled past, red-faced and avoiding eye contact, I couldn’t resist taking one final image. “Enjoy your honeymoon,” I replied, waggling my fingers in a faux wave.
Dave’s look might have burned steel, but I simply smiled and returned to my now-peaceful seat. The stewardess turned to me. “Is there anything else you need, sir?” I grinned, like if I had just won the lottery. “I just want some peace and quiet. “And maybe a celebratory drink?”
As the stewardess moved away to get my drink, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of shame. Had I been overly harsh? I shook it off. They had brought this upon themselves.
An older gentleman across the aisle caught my attention and gave me a thumbs up. “Well played, son,” he said, chuckling. “This reminds me of my first marriage. We were also young and dumb, but at least we knew how to behave in public.
I grinned back. “Thanks. I started to feel like I was on a hidden camera show.
The lady next to him leaned over. “Oh, honey, you did everyone a favor. I was almost ready to jam those pretzels down that boy’s neck myself.” We all laughed, and the tension from earlier melted away. It felt great to have some allies.
The stewardess came back with my drink, a tiny bottle of whiskey, and a can of cola. “On the house,” she said, winking. “Consider it a thank you for your patience.” I raised the bottle as a faux toast. “To peaceful flights and karma,” I exclaimed, loud enough for people around me to hear. A chorus of “hear, hear!” sounded from surrounding seats.
As I made my drink, I couldn’t help but think about Dave and Lia. Were they huddled in the back, planning their revenge? Had they finally understood how absurd they’d been acting? A ring from the intercom stopped my thoughts.
The captain’s voice permeated the entire cabin. “Ladies and gentlemen, we predict some turbulence ahead. Please go back to your seats and tighten your seatbelts.”
I chuckled to myself. More turbulence? After what we’d just been through? The plane started to shake, and I heard a yelp from the back. I twisted in my seat to look. There was Dave, desperately trying to keep his tray table from spilling his drink all over his lap.
I turned back around, sipping my whiskey and coke. “Karma’s a witch!” I muttered. The turbulence subsided, and the flight fell into a peaceful lull. I was just starting to think about what might happen next when a commotion erupted from the rear.
“I need to use the bathroom!” It was Lia’s voice, shrill and insistent. I turned to see her standing in the aisle, Dave right behind her. A harried-looking flight attendant, different from the one who’d helped me earlier, was trying to calm her down. “Ma’am, please return to your seat. The fasten seatbelt sign is still on,” the attendant explained.
“But it’s an emergency!” Lia wailed, doing a little dance for effect. I caught the old man’s eye. He winked at me, clearly enjoying the show. Dave chimed in, his voice dripping with faux concern. “Look, my wife has a medical condition. She really needs to use the restroom up front. The one back here is… occupied.”
The flight attendant seemed divided. “I understand, but regulations are rules. “You will have to wait until the captain turns off the seatbelt sign.” Lia’s face wrinkled. “But I cannot wait! “Please, I beg you!” Her acting skills were impressive. If I hadn’t known better, I would have felt sorry for her.
The attendant sighed, evidently unsure. “Alright, but do it quickly. And then return to your seats, understand?”
Dave and Lia nodded vigorously and pushed past her to the front of the plane. I couldn’t hold back as they approached my row. I stood up, blocking their path. “Whoa there, people. Didn’t we already decide this? Do you remember the back of the plane? I yelled it loudly enough for other passengers to hear.
Dave’s face darkened. “Mind your own business, pal. This doesn’t concern you.” I raised an eyebrow. “Oh, I think it does. After all, we wouldn’t want any more…
disruptions, would we?” Lia piped up, her voice sickly sweet. “Please, sir. It’s just a quick bathroom break. We promise we’ll go right back.”
I looked at her, then at Dave, then at the approaching flight attendant who’d let them pass. Time to end this charade.
“You know what? You’re right. It is just a bathroom break,” I said, stepping aside. “Go ahead.”
Dave and Lia shared triumphant glances as they passed me. But I wasn’t finished yet. I gave the flight attendant a smile. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear. Did you say these two had clearance to be up here?
The flight attendant furrowed her brow. “Well, I… they said it was an emergency.” I nodded compassionately. “I see. And are you aware that these two were explicitly advised to remain at the back of the plane owing to their previous disruptive behavior?”
The attendant’s eyes widened. “No, I wasn’t informed of that.” Just then, the stewardess who had previously dealt with Dave and Lia appeared. “Is there a problem here?” she said, her attention fixed on the duo.
Dave’s face turned pale. Lia’s “emergency” dance ended abruptly. I took a step back and delegated responsibility to the pros. “I believe these two were just leaving,” I answered, unable to contain the smugness in my voice.
The original stewardess turned to Dave and Lia, her expression stern. “I thought I made myself clear earlier. Back to your seats. Now.” “But…” Lia started, her act crumbling.
“No buts,” the stewardess cut her off. “Or would you prefer we discuss this with the air marshal?”
That did it. Without another word, Dave and Lia slunk back to their economy seats, defeated.
As the plane began its descent into California, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. The rest of the flight had been blessedly peaceful, and I was more than ready to see my family.
The captain’s voice came over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re making our final approach to Los Angeles International Airport.” Please ensure that your seats are upright and your seatbelts are secured.
As we taxied to the gate, I gathered my belongings, eager to get off the plane. The stewardess, who had been our saving grace, approached me. “Thank you for your patience today,” she replied with a sincere smile. “We hope you had a comfortable flight despite the… earlier disturbances.”
I grinned back. “Thanks to you, I did. You handled that situation perfectly.” She beamed at the compliment. “Have a great day, sir!”
I stood up, stretching after the long flight. As I made my way down the aisle, I caught sight of Dave and Lia, still avoiding eye contact with everyone.
For a moment, I felt a twinge of sympathy. They were young, probably just overly excited about their honeymoon. But then I remembered their bratty behavior and the sympathy evaporated. As I passed their row, I couldn’t resist one last parting shot. “Hope you guys learned something today. Enjoy your honeymoon!”
Dave’s cheeks turned a striking shade of scarlet, but he kept his mouth shut. That was a smart move. And with that, I exited the plane, triumphant and eager to enjoy the rest of my journey. As I entered the terminal, I couldn’t help but laugh. It had been a hell of a flight, but in the end, common sense and a little karma had prevailed.
I saw my wife and child waiting for me, their faces lighting up as they saw me. All memories of Dave and Lia slipped gone. I was home and that was all that mattered.
